Lesson 12: Divorce, Remarriage, and Aging Families

     This week we talked about how families can be reconstituted via divorce, remarriage and simply growing older. We talked about how there are different types of divorce: emotional, legal, economical, co-parental, community, and psychic. It surprised me that there can be a divorce in a relationship while the couple is still married. It seems like all of the types combined can especially lead to a legal divorce (which is what we usually think of when we hear of divorce).

     What is especially interesting is the principle of "finding the opportunities in the challenges." Even through these hard times of changing the family system, we can change how we view unpleasant things. There's something about the process that changes things. When my parents were going through their divorce (when I was 12) and through the subsequent years, I faced a lot of challenges. I know it's cliche, but it was REALLY HARD. I was really fortunate that I had a solid base to lean on or I don't think I would have been able to find the opportunities.

Lesson 11: Parenting

I love  word definitions and finding distinctions between word pairs once thought to be the same. "Fitting in" vs "Belonging." "Faith" vs "Belief." "Discipline" vs "Punishment." In regards to parenting our children, this last distinction can make a big difference in our relationship. The difference between the two are as follows:

Discipline is a choice.
Punishment is from a superior to an inferior.
Discipline deals with natural consequences.
Punishment is a penalty inflicted that is severe, rough, or disastrous in treatment, and not known in advance.
Discipline is age and situation appropriate.
Punishment is when consequences don't match behaviour. When the only follow through done is done in anger. When a reward is given as payment for loss or suffering. A compensation.

How do you regard your children?

When Disciplining our children, it's better to address their misbehaviour as a miscommunication of their needs. The following chart provides some examples.

Richard Popkin's "Problem-Handling Model" (because not all problems can be solved) gives us a new paradigm of teaching our children. The first question to ask is "Who owns the problem?" Who wants the change and who is affected by it?" After that, you just follow the diagram.

The most important thing to follow, however, is the Holy Spirit. He will direct you, when asked with real intent, how to parent the children God has entrusted you with. He will lead you to guide with love and confidence, not lies and manipulation. 

Lesson 10: Fathers and Finances

What are you trading for your money?

This was an interesting question brought up at the end of class this week. It made me more aware of what my priorities are and also reevaluate what I hold important. For example, this week we also talked about dual-income families and how they actually end up making less money than if just one person worked. When our priority is gaining money, we can lose out on relationships, time, and emotional and physical energy, all while not actually getting paid that much.

We also discussed why budgeting is important, not only because we're being responsible with what we've been given, but also it gives a couple the opportunity to cooperate in decision making. They decide how to use said money, but also their time, talents and resources. It also brings up what each partner values and where they are willing to compromise.

Lesson 9: Communication & Mutual Problem Solving

Quiz
1. Define Kærlighted
2. List 3 Kommunikasionsmedier
3. Ska' vi hygge os? Yes or no

The above example was used in our class to highlight how difficult communication can be. When both partners are communicating, it's extremely important to be on the same page (aka speaking the same language) or some major problems can start to decay the relationship. We also talked about what means we have available to answer these questions (internet/google translate, knowing similar languages, and asking questions). These are all important because without the ability to communicate issues pile up into judgements, resentment and eventually the belief that the partners are incompatible. I would say that this isn't only important in romantic relationships but in family, friend and roommate relationships too. 

Another crucial aspect of  communication is listening. But just hearing what the other person is saying (verbally and non-verbally) doesn't cut it. Our textbook talked about 5 dysfunctional types of listeners (faker, dependent/people pleaser, interrupter, self-conscious/wants to impress, and intellectual/relies solely on verbal cues). The key to effective listening is eye contact, concentration, responding, asking questions and controlling emotions and urges. I'll be honest, this topic got me really...aggravated because I've noticed how bad our society is as listening. We're so used to being able to respond when we want, giving only verbal cues (ie texting, facebook, snapchat) that we're really not attuned to what other people are really saying. Just because you "like" a post doesn't mean you have a relationship with that person. It really bothers me how unable we are to have real conversations. We're so distracted by our phones and our own lives, it's almost like what's the point of even being around alive human beings. Everything has gone virtual. (**rant over**)

We also discussed how the leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints meet and communicate with each other and how it can be an important and helpful pattern for our own relationships. They meet in a sacred place (the temple), often (weekly), where they express love and appreciation (invites the spirit and builds relationships), pray, discuss to consensus (not a compromise where things are left out, but rather agreeance on a general truth), pray, and have a refreshment. Do you see the chiasm there? While the most important thing is discussing truths, it's surrounded by love, friendship, and a desire and willingness to obey the will of the Lord. How cool is that?!

Cycle of Communication

Lesson 8: Families in Crisis

It's why bad things happen to good people. It's how expectations are fulfilled. It's how happiness is created. It's what turns a crisis into an opportunity and vulnerability into strength. 

P E R S P E C T I V E 

Good people experience bad things. There's a myriad of reasons why we don't feel like we've been handed a fair deal and most of them fall under the umbrella of agency. The gift we've been given to choose for ourselves added to our imperfect mortality often results in hurt and pain. Our lives are filled with gray area.

The lens on how we view things gives us the ability to take seemingly negative experiences and make them into positive learning opportunities.

A key part of this is the idea that just because it happens, doesn't mean it's God's will. Again, we have agency. He wants us to act for ourselves; making decisions based on study and conversations with him. Heavenly Father does not, however, want his children to violate and hurt each other, but we're imperfect and thus why he's given us the additional gift of the Atonement. The key is repentance, and forgiveness will follow. It's hard, but you stick with it.

"Don't you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead. Some blessings come soon, some come late and some don't come til heaven, but for those who embrace the gospel of Christ, they come. It will be alright in the end. Trust god and believe in good things to come." Jeffery R. Holland

One important moment happened in class while we were talking about abuse, and how to help others cope with its effects. My teacher was reenacting when a young man was down on his knees apologizing to his sister for violating her a few years before. Suddenly everything came back and the thought came to me, "if my abuser, the man who not only hurt me but hurt the ones I love, knelt down in front of me and genuinely apologized, I would forgive him. (Fortunately, I've already made that decision, forgave him, and let the Savior's Atonement take the pain, hurt, and grief from my heart) BUT what I wouldn't give to have that experience of a heartfelt apology. I could feel in that moment the pure love Heavenly Father has for his children who turn to him and repent. Satan will tell us that there's no way Father would ever love us again after the mistakes we've made, that we can't ever turn back to Him. THIS IS A LIE. I believe that Father is not only waiting for us to come to him but pleading for us to cast off Satan's influence. Through the Atonement of Christ, we're able to feel the love Father has for us and His children.

Lesson 7: Sexual Intimacy and Family Life

This week we talked about one of the most intimate things in family life: sex. It's not dirty or taboo. It's sacred and when used inappropriately there WILL be problems.

For example, our teacher shared a story about his wife at a social gathering. While sitting around and chatting, their extremely personal lives became a topic of discussion. Our teachers wife then came home and relayed the stories back to her husband. When questioned if she had shared anything, his wife insisted she hadn't, but our teacher wasn't convinced. I can't remember his reasoning behind not believing her, but my thinking was this: if she's willing to retell these private things in detail to her husband then why wouldn't she also share other things with other people. (DISCLAIMER: I'm sure she's a wonderful and kind woman). It got me thinking of how curiosities don't equate a right to know. Just because I'm curious about what happens regarding X, Y, or Z doesn't mean I need an answer or to even to ask the question.

This concept goes along with the idea that an urge is NOT an emergency. When we feel compelled to do something, we have to think about how it will affect others and how/how soon it should be done. This goes with any and all aspects of our relationships with others. (the key word here being OTHERS) Relationships don't work if the "me monster" is taking control. Constant care, vigilance, and consideration should be enacted especially when we choose to be with someone the rest of eternity.

Additional Fun Facts
-men want sex to feel secure, women want security to have sex
-hormones released during sexual intercourse: Serotonin (wellness and warmth), Dopamine (excitement and thrill), Oxytocin (produced in women, bonding)
-we fall in love with falling in love
-types of infidelity: fantasy, visual, romantic, physical
-covenants create boundaries
-it's not about your partner, it's about your covenant to God (cheating God)

Lesson 6: Transitions in Marriage

"The best family stuff happens Intentionally"

The most important thing from this week is that through all four levels of commitment, everything is intentional. While dating (a wide variety of activities with a wide variety of people), courting (exclusively dating), engagement and marriage, every decision is made with a clear purpose. When we commit we are making a promise, an attachment and a dedication to another person. Moving from one level to another REQUIRES and intentional step over. We don't date (or court, or be married to) until we're tired of the other person. We commit because we've made a very clear choice. We want to become further involved intimacy (NOT JUST PHYSICAL), affection, values, and experiences. We want to further our satisfaction, security/resources (emotional, physical, spiritual). 

Once we've decided to commit to marriage, we're introduced to many more decisions. The where, when, how and how much include both parties. So many couples are focused on how nice the venue, dress, and food are that they forget the whole point of the day; the sealing ordinance (for LDS couples) or actual union of the couple. The point of getting married isn't to have the most elegant bouquet, creative gift bags or most respected people in attendance. That's not even the point of the wedding (see the difference?)! The point of the wedding reception is for the families and community to validate and celebrate the couple, not for the couple to validate themselves. I want a wedding reception that honors and celebrates the sealing ordinance my husband and I have just covenanted to keep. I want my friends and family to be there in support, not to shower me with gifts and a fancy cake. I want a celebration honoring the fact that my husband and I have decided that regardless of our private contracts (assumptions) and role expectations we're committed to negotiating those personal contracts and clarify our expectations to make our now covenant relationship work.