Lesson 5: Preparing for Marriage

This week was super applicable to my life because I'm in the "Preparing for Marriage" stage of life (aka dating and courtship). Being a student at BYU-Idaho sometimes feels like speed dating on steroids. In almost every class, church meeting, and social event there's mention of dating and marriage. Even at stake conference (lingo explained here) today it was explain that we should be going on dates at least once a week (um, who has time for that?) and that in order to go on dates we need to talk to the opposite gender (whhaaaaaat? who knew it was that simple!? If only...) 

Anyway, in class we discussed the purposes of dating, what filters are involved when choosing someone to marry (aka physicality, values, hobbies, temperament, location...), and most importantly: 

WHAT IS LOVE? 

According to the Greeks there are 4 types of love: 

     1. Storge (like between parent and child)

     2. Philia (warm and close, like between friends)

     3. Eros (romantic and physical, like between lovers)

     4. Agape (independent of feelings, acting on well-being of another, selfless). 

There's also the Triangular Theory: 

     1. Non love (lacks all 3)

     2. Liking (intimacy w/o passion and commitment)

     3. Infatuation (passion w/o intimacy and commitment)

     4. Empty (commitment w/o passion and intimacy)

     5. Romantic (intimacy and passion w/o commitment)

     6. Companionate (intimacy and commitment w/o passion)

     7. Fatuous (passion and commitment w/o intimacy)

     8. **Consummate (all 3)**

Something SUPER interesting was the discussion of LDS dating culture and how we can get confused when selecting a spouse. This included "Misattribution of Arousal." This concept is attributing the wrong emotion to physical arousal. Example: like when you have butterflies, pounding heart, increased blood pressure, shaking hands, and attribute it to love. This is also often seen when going the temple to pray about marrying someone. When we go to the temple we usually feel at peace because of how the environment is set up and who's house it is. But we have to be careful with what the conversation looks like. Instead of asking "Should I marry this person" and feeling at peace about it (because we're in the temple), ask more for confirmation and guidance. ("help me to continue to know this relationship is good.")

This idea goes along with another point made by my stake president this weekend. The basic idea is that we have to act in faith (which is based on TRUTH, not beliefs). God isn't going to make the decision for you. If both parties are willing to commit their relationship to each other and to God, then sure! Go for it! I think the only reason why God would give a "no" answer is if there are still things that need to be worked out, or more conversations that need to be had before a serious decision is made. PLEASE act and don't be acted upon. Don't depend on God to make all of your decisions for you (aka don't be commanded in all things). 

Bruce Chadwick gave a talk at BYU, also inviting us to act, titled "Hanging out, Hooking up and Celestial Marriage. He gave some important points and then expanded on them. He the main points he made were to:
1. "Throw out the glass slipper" (there is no "the one" SO STOP IT!)
2. "Don't wait for others to carry your glass slipper" (be proactive)
3. Exercise faith and have courage in dating and marriage (there will be somethings you DON'T know)
4. "Keep physical intimacy appropriate" (inappropriate contact tends to REALLY confuse things.)

Final Thoughts: Dating isn't about finding "the one." It's about finding out what works for you and who you really want to progress with. It's about loving and trusting God enough to use your agency in choosing and acting. It's about knowing what love actually is and deciding if you can give that to someone else for the rest of forever.